My Companion Constantly Focuses On Her Own Life: Should I Distance Myself?

We've been friends with a woman, who has faced and conquered numerous obstacles, her resilience is commendable. However, she has been often blindsided by people. Her spouse ended their marriage, which came as an unexpected event. Many of her social circle disappeared at that point, since they had been only interested in her husband. It shocked her deeply. She made more effort to be my friend, and must have realised better the meaning of companionship.

A Recurring Theme In Relationships

Throughout this period, many of her friends have disappeared and she isn't sure why. The company she worked for turned on her, despite the fact that she was very skilled at her work, her exit happened not understanding the reason for the change.

How Things Stand Now

In recent times, we've both retired and are seeing frequent meetups, yet I realize the part I play between us is to listen. I introduce discussion points but she shifts them to her own topics. Politically, she expresses firm beliefs. My effort is to propose double-checking information and different perspectives.

She has been arranging a trip abroad I know well on several occasions even called home for a while. I tried to share insights, yet it was unappreciated. She really just desired my agreement with her decisions. I recently returned from 30 days there she is eager to catch up, however, I hesitate.

Considering the Choices

I don't want to be a friend that walks away without a word, however, I feel she will ever comprehend the impact of her behaviour on my self-esteem. At this point, my state is distancing myself. How should I proceed?

Potential Solutions

It's possible to walk away, yet this is seldom the peaceful resolution that we desire. However, addressing it aiming for a solution requires bravery and openness on both your parts.

Therapists recommend applying a practical approach to handling disagreements:

"Step one is to state the usual pattern in your conversations. It should be based on facts and essentially an unbiased account. Next is to tell her how it leaves you feeling. This allows for no argument about this. Emotions are valid, naturally. The third step is to ask ways you together going to change the pattern in your relationship."

Consider that she also holds perspectives, meaning you must to be prepared to listen to her. A helpful technique is telling her:

"Now you talk and I'm going to remain silent for 30 minutes."

Final Thoughts

She might reject your concerns, for those who hold onto a “survival narrative”: they rely on a story about themselves they won't release because their very survival relies on it and it's all they trust. This is difficult as there is no thoroughfare with these people, only cul-de-sacs. Yet she could at first react like this and then think on your words. And even if a resolution isn't found an agreement, it will give you closure from having been open and direct.